Why does my mind keep going back to them?
Because someone who was part of your everyday life has suddenly gone, and your mind hasn’t caught up. A small brain-scan study of people who had recently been rejected found activity in the brain’s reward and craving systems when they looked at a photo of their ex (Fisher et al., 2010). That doesn’t mean heartbreak is an addiction. It’s a useful way to understand why the pull can feel so strong and so physical.
Is it normal to think about my ex all the time?
Yes, especially in the first weeks. Thoughts of them will turn up when you wake, when something reminds you of them, and when you’re tired. That’s your mind adjusting to a big loss, not a sign that something is wrong with you or that you should get back together.
What is rumination?
Rumination is going over the same thoughts again and again without getting anywhere: replaying conversations, asking “why” and “what if”, and imagining what they’re doing now. It’s different from reflection, which is thinking about what happened in a way that moves you towards understanding it.
The difference matters. In a study that followed women for 30 weeks after a breakup, the small group who stayed low throughout tended to brood more than those who coped well, while levels of reflecting didn’t differ between the groups (Verhallen et al., 2022).
Does overthinking make it last longer?
It seems to. Besides the brooding finding above, a study of people after a breakup found that lingering love or anger towards the ex went with sadness being less likely to lift during the study, while accepting that it was over went with sadness lifting sooner (Sbarra, 2006). These studies show links rather than proof of cause, but they fit what many people feel: going round in circles keeps the wound open.
Why is it worse at night?
Because there’s less to distract you, and tiredness makes everything feel heavier. It can also become a loop. In a study of recently separated adults, people who talked about their ex in a way that suggested they were still very wrapped up in them slept less well, measured objectively rather than by asking them (O’Hara, Mehl & Sbarra, 2023). Poor sleep then makes the next day harder.
Some things that help at bedtime:
- Write down what’s going round in your head, then close the notebook. It’s still there tomorrow if you need it.
- Keep your phone out of reach, so their profile isn’t one tap away.
- Pick something calm and absorbing to turn your attention to, like an audiobook, a podcast or slow breathing.
How do I stop thinking about my ex?
You probably can’t switch the thoughts off by force. What helps is changing how you respond to them:
- Notice and name it. “I’m going over it again” is often enough to step out of the loop for a moment.
- Turn towards something else, on purpose. A walk, a call with a friend, a task that needs your hands. The point isn’t to avoid the feeling forever, just not to feed the loop.
- Reflect with a structure. In one study, young adults who looked back on their breakup a few times, briefly and with some structure, regained a clearer sense of who they were (Larson & Sbarra, 2015). A few guided questions in a journal work better than a blank page at 2am.
- Be kind to yourself about it. In one study, separated adults who spoke about the separation more kindly towards themselves had fewer upsetting thoughts about it months later (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, 2012). Telling yourself off for thinking about them tends to add a second layer of pain.
- Cut down the reminders. Contact and checking their profiles keep feeding the thoughts. See the no contact rule and checking your ex’s social media.
When will I stop thinking about them so much?
There’s no fixed date. For most people the thoughts come less often and with less of a sting over time, in waves rather than steadily. How long it takes to get over a breakup explains what shapes that. If, after a few weeks, going over it is still taking up most of your day, that’s a good reason to talk to someone, starting with the help below.