Can you really stay friends with an ex?

They said it near the end, maybe on the doorstep or in a message the next morning: “I’d still really like us to be friends.” And part of you grabbed it with both hands. Being friends means you don’t have to lose them completely. You can still send them the meme about the dog, still meet for a coffee, still be someone in their life.

Another part of you isn’t so sure. You wonder whether you can sit across a table from them without hoping for more, or how you’ll feel the first time they mention someone new. If that tug in two directions sounds familiar, you’re in very ordinary company. Wanting to keep a friendship with an ex is common, and so is not knowing whether it’s a good idea. If you’re still raw, our guide to the no contact rule explains why a bit of space often helps, even if you do end up as friends later.

Can you really stay friends with an ex?

Yes, some people do, and for some of them it works well. But a friendship with an ex is usually a different kind of friendship, not a return to how things were before you got together. That difference is the thing most people underestimate.

In one study, people compared a friendship with an ex to a friendship with someone of the opposite sex they had never dated. The friendship with the ex came out less positively, with more negative qualities and more romantic desire still in it (Schneider & Kenny, 2000). The authors suggested that a friendship with a former partner is a different thing in kind. That doesn’t mean it can’t be good. It means it carries some history, and it helps to go in with your eyes open.

It’s also worth knowing how little research there is. One team who studied these friendships noted that the evidence on them is still very limited (Bullock et al., 2011). Many of the studies are surveys of university students. No study has tested whether staying friends with an ex helps or harms getting over a breakup. So anyone who tells you confidently that it always works, or never does, is going beyond what’s known.

Who tends to stay friends after a breakup?

People who were friends first, people whose ending was fairly kind, and people who were happy for much of the relationship. Those are the patterns that show up again and again.

One of the earliest studies on this found that couples who had been friends before they got together were more likely to stay friends afterwards (Metts et al., 1989). How it ended mattered too. For the person who was left, a kinder tone in the ending went with friendship later, while manipulation went against it.

Satisfaction plays a part. People who had been happier in the relationship were more likely to stay friends afterwards, and more likely to put effort into the friendship (Bullock et al., 2011). In a study that followed young adults through a breakup, the more committed they had been before it ended, the closer they stayed afterwards (Tan et al., 2015).

There’s a catch hiding in that last finding, though. The closeness that makes a friendship possible is the same closeness that makes letting go hard. If you were deeply committed, staying close may come naturally. It may also keep the old feelings warm.

Why do you want to stay friends?

This is the question that matters most, and the research is clearest here. In one set of studies, people gave four main reasons for staying friends with an ex: security, practical reasons, being civil, and romantic feelings they hadn’t resolved. Staying friends because of unresolved romantic feelings went with negative outcomes, while staying friends for security or practical reasons went with more positive ones (Griffith et al., 2017). Friendships kept up mainly for practical reasons or to be polite were also less likely to last.

So it helps to be honest with yourself, privately, about which one is really driving you. A few questions can help:

• If they started seeing someone tomorrow, would you be glad for them, or would it flatten you?
• Are you hoping the friendship will turn back into a relationship?
• Would you want this friendship if you’d never been together?
• Is it mostly about not wanting to feel the loss all at once?

None of these answers make you a bad person. Wanting to keep someone you loved is about as human as it gets. But if the honest answer is that you’re hoping, then friendship right now may mostly be a way of staying near them. That usually keeps the wound open rather than letting it close.

You can care about someone and still need distance from them. The distance is not a punishment. It’s room to heal.

Is it harder to get over someone you’re still friends with?

It often is, especially early on. There’s no study that compared people who stayed friends with people who didn’t. But the research on contact points the same way.

In a study of adults who had separated after marriage, more in-person contact with an ex predicted more distress about two months later (O’Hara et al., 2020). That was a different group from most people reading this, and much of the effect was among people without children. Still, the pattern makes sense: every coffee, every catch-up, every “how are you doing?” is a fresh reminder of what you’ve lost.

Online contact can do something similar. People who kept a closer eye on an ex’s Facebook reported more distress, more longing and less personal growth (Marshall, 2012). A friendship often comes with full access to their posts, their stories and their new life, and that’s a lot to watch while you’re still hurting. Our guide on checking an ex’s social media has ideas for easing off.

Feelings also swing most in the early days after a breakup and settle in waves (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). A friendship that feels manageable on a good Tuesday can feel impossible on a bad Friday. Waiting until the swings calm down gives you a truer picture of what you can handle.

What about when friendship slides back into something more?

It happens a lot, and it rarely goes as smoothly as people hope. In one large study of young adults, nearly half had got back together with an ex at some point, and over half of those who broke up went on sleeping with their ex for a while (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013). If the lines have blurred for you, you are far from alone.

But repeated reunions tend to come at a cost. Breaking up and getting back together is common, and in one study, the more times a couple got back together, the more problems and the fewer good things people reported (Dailey et al., 2009). That doesn’t mean every second chance fails. It does suggest that a “friendship” which keeps tipping back into the old relationship is worth pausing.

New relationships can be affected too. In one study of students in relationships, about 4 in 10 were still in touch with an ex, and for some people that contact went with problems in the new relationship (Rodriguez et al., 2016). And having a new partner was one of the barriers to a good friendship with an ex (Busboom et al., 2002). A friendship that works now may need rethinking later, when one of you meets someone.

How do you decide what’s right for you?

Give yourself time before you decide, keep it about your own wellbeing, and remember that “not yet” is a real answer.

Take the pressure off the decision

You don’t have to decide on the doorstep. If they ask to be friends, it’s fine to say something like: “I’d like that one day, maybe, but I need some space first.” That’s honest and kind, and it doesn’t close anything off for good. No research gives a set number of weeks or months, so ignore anyone who quotes one. A better guide is how you feel when you picture them happy with someone else.

Keep practical contact practical

If you share a flat, a dog, a friendship group or a workplace, some contact can’t be avoided. That isn’t the same as a friendship. Keep those messages short and about the practical thing. You can be polite without being close. The no contact rule guide has a section on what to do when you can’t avoid them completely.

Don’t use friendship to manage their feelings

If you ended it, offering friendship can feel like the kind thing to do. Sometimes it is. But sometimes it’s more about easing your own guilt, and it can leave the other person hanging on. Saying “I think we both need some space” may be kinder in the long run.

Lean on your own people

Friends and family matter here, both for your sake and for the friendship’s. A lack of support from family and friends was one of the barriers to a good friendship with an ex (Busboom et al., 2002). If the people who love you are worried about you staying close, it’s worth listening, even if you decide differently. And spend time with people who knew you before, or outside, the relationship. They remind you who you are without them.

Check in with yourself after you see them

If you do try being friends, notice how you feel in the hours afterwards. Lighter, or churned up? Calm, or replaying every word? If you keep thinking about your ex for days after each meet-up, that’s useful information, not a failure. You can step back at any point.

How will you know if you’re ready to be friends?

You’ll probably notice it before you decide it. Their name pops up on your phone and you feel a mild interest rather than a jolt. You hear they’re seeing someone and your first thought is “good for them”, even if a small part of you twinges. You’d be happy to see them at a mutual friend’s birthday, but you don’t find yourself planning what to wear.

For some people that point comes fairly soon. For others it takes much longer, and for some it never quite comes, which is fine too. Not every relationship needs to turn into a friendship to have mattered.

If it helps to see how you’re doing over time, a short daily check-in can show you the trend when single days feel muddled. That’s part of what Reorient is for. However it turns out with your ex, looking after yourself first isn’t selfish. It’s what makes any friendship, now or later, possible.