What should I do in the first week after a breakup?
Aim to get through each day, not to fix everything. A simple list for this week:
- Eat something and drink water, even if it’s small and plain.
- Protect your sleep as best you can, with a regular time to wind down.
- Tell one or two people you trust what’s happened, and let them be near you.
- Give yourself space from your ex, including their social media.
- Let big decisions wait unless they truly can’t.
- Move a little, even a ten minute walk outside.
That’s enough. You don’t need to understand what happened yet, or feel better by the end of the week.
Why does a breakup hurt physically?
Because rejection and loss are stressful for your whole body, not just your mind. In one brain-scan study, people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup showed activity in areas also involved in physical pain when they looked at a photo of their ex (Kross et al., 2011). Later work found that although rejection and physical pain involve some of the same broad brain areas, the brain represents them differently (Woo et al., 2014). Either way, an aching chest, a knotted stomach and exhaustion are common and real. If you have chest pain, get it checked by a doctor, as you would at any other time.
Is it normal to feel this bad?
Yes. Crying a lot, not sleeping, not eating, struggling to concentrate and a strong pull towards your ex are all common in the first days. It may also help to know that people tend to expect a breakup to hurt more intensely than it turns out to (Eastwick et al., 2008). The worst of how it feels right now is unlikely to be how it feels for good.
Should I tell people, or keep it to myself?
Tell someone. You don’t have to talk it all through. Simply having a trusted person nearby may help: in a well-known study, holding a spouse’s hand reduced the brain’s response to a threat (Coan, Schaefer & Davidson, 2006). That research wasn’t about breakups, but it’s a good reason to let a friend come round, even just to sit with you. It’s also fine to ask for something specific, like a message each evening this week.
Should I contact my ex in the first week?
If you can, give yourself space. It’s tempting to look to your ex for answers or comfort, but more in-person contact with an ex predicted more distress two months later in one study (O’Hara et al., 2020). If you share children, a home or money, keep contact to short, practical messages. The no contact rule explains more, and checking your ex’s social media covers the online side.
How can I sleep after a breakup?
Keep it simple: a regular bedtime, the phone out of reach, and somewhere to put the thoughts that keep you awake. In a study of recently separated adults, people who were still very wrapped up in their ex slept less well, measured objectively rather than by asking them (O’Hara, Mehl & Sbarra, 2023). Writing a few lines before bed, then closing the notebook, can help you leave the day on the page. Go easy on alcohol, which can make sleep worse.
What should I avoid doing straight after a breakup?
Mostly, things that are hard to undo or that keep you tied to your ex:
- Big decisions that can wait, like moving, quitting a job or making permanent changes in a rush
- Sending long messages late at night. Write them down instead and look again tomorrow
- Checking their profiles or asking friends for updates
- Being hard on yourself. In one study, separated adults who spoke about the separation more kindly towards themselves had fewer upsetting thoughts about it months later (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, 2012)
When does it start to feel easier?
There’s no fixed day. For most people the rawness softens gradually, and not in a straight line: you may have a better day followed by a worse one. How long it takes to get over a breakup explains what shapes the timing, and why you can’t stop thinking about your ex helps if the thoughts won’t let up.